s02e14 - satisfaction
we woke up this morning in a shared malaise. "I'm just trying to remember whether it's always been like this", she said, "whether I've always felt this kind of inertia." we went for a walk and found a new playground. we sat and talked about the playgrounds we used to love as kids, as we watched so many families live out their Sundays right in front of us.
walking home i told you "I sometimes wonder if I'm capable of ever feeling satisfied."
in work, in love, in everything. I've been satisfied before, I know that ebbs and flows naturally. but will I ever be free from the urge to uproot myself, to start again and experience all the associated pain. will it ever be enough? I told you that I wish some god or whoever the fuck is currently writing my arc would just tell me I'll find peace someday. because then I could believe it, finally untangle myself from this admittedly self fulfilling prophecy.
my life doesn't feel like it's my own. it feels like I'm still living off of a template and telling myself I'll change that when I get the energy. it feels like I'm running and I can't stop to catch my breath.
i still envy the lives of the people closest to me though i know they're not satisfied either.
there's a throwaway lyric in a song I like.
"I'm 24 now, I should be 16 forever"
I'm nearly 24. I still feel that lack of agency, that need to prove myself in every room like I did at 16. two of my closest friends are getting married in November. and one person's progress can't be measured against the lives of others. but I feel like I'm getting left behind. I feel like my time is running out. if I don't prove myself soon, I don't think I'll have a future.