s02e19 - reaching out
on the rare occasion that you dream of falling, you do so with one arm outstretched— a foolish defiance of probability. a secret hope that someone may reach out and catch you.
you watch people fall around you. you feel you do it much more clumsily. they seem to be able to do it gracefully, resigned to the fact that nobody can save them but themselves.
you have always been embarrassed by how tightly you grasp every hand that finds yours. embarrassed that when their grip loosens, yours only becomes more desperate. embarrassed by the fact that this never seems to save you in the end, anyway.
you ask for help. a lot. you seek comfort and support in others when you're doing badly. you're sure that some people might say it's good "knowing yourself and what you need", but it doesn't make you feel any less pathetically reliant.
you're self-involved, and the people who have left your life prematurely from anger or hurt know this all too well. you talk about yourself too much, you ask about others too little. your misery is self-indulgent, weak, attention-seeking. you wade into the shallow end and complain that you feel like you're drowning. you maintain a 9-5 and whine that it's suffocating.
you'd rather be self sufficient. you wonder if you're just too weak for the world. if this is some kind of social darwinism in action. you don't even believe in that shit. you just hate yourself that much. yet you also crave martyrdom. you'd make such a good sacrificial lamb. offer yourself up for all the people you love. a truly selfish act lampshaded as selflessness.
you can't help but scratch at the doors of the people you love. and you wish you had the strength not to.